Photo by Jeff Johnson

I am not a morning person. I love to slowly wake up and lounge about in the warm covers of my bed. Maybe I do some writing or drink some tea until I eventually feel inclined to get dressed and start moving. However, this morning my partner was leading a movement meditation. From a genuine place of love, I wanted to support him. Plus, slow movement meditations are my favorite, just not in the morning. Nevertheless, I dragged myself out of my warm cozy bed and resolutely stood in the sharp morning air letting the cold seep from the ground into my bare feet.

I could feel my resistance. 

I kept questioning myself; “Do I give in to my resistance and dismiss myself from the class or do I push through and support my partner?” I wanted to support him, and I wanted to feel able to do slow movement meditations in the morning. I kept pushing through, and my resistance grew. 

Then I did something different. I decided to listen to the resistance. Not give into the resistance; not allow the resistance control over my actions but listen to what it had to say; allowing it to have a voice instead of completely ignoring it. The resistance told me it was tired, that my body felt heavy and painful to move, painful to stand. I allowed myself to feel the pain my body was experiencing and released this pain by crying. I continued to practice the flow meditation while releasing my pain and resistance through my tears. 

After a short time, my tears dried up, and it was incrementally easier to continue meditating. I did choose to return to bed once the meditation was over, but I felt that I had successfully navigated the landscapes of my emotions during the meditation. I had allowed myself to lovingly rule over my feelings rather than either allow my emotions to rule me (by going back to bed) or fighting against my emotions (by ignoring them). I lived and worked with all the parts of my psyche rather than fighting or giving into them. 

In “I. Am. Embodied. Muse.” a feminine leadership course by Ashtara Kukuk, I learned what it takes to be a leader is to rule one’s own emotions rather than allowing them to rule you. If I am the ruler of my inner world, then my outer world reflects this leadership. As I learn to rule over my inner world’s emotions lovingly, I will naturally take on my external world’s leadership role. As it is written, may it be so. Aho!

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